Tuesday, Aug. 30, 2005

It's 2 weeks later? ok. I wonder why marriage doesn't really agree with journalling for me. I know I'll regret it if I don't write. I regret having a hole in my journalling during the first yrs of my first marriage.

Ok, well about the phone call from The Big-Time band.... Apparently the guitarist and bassist wanted to just go ahead and choose me, but the keyboardist had some drummer friends that he wanted to try out first. Oh those keyboardists... whoever listens to the keyboardist? Also.. Why the heck did I try out for a band with a keyboardist?

I'm not so 100% that I would join this Big-Time band. I've been enjoying my gritty, messy, grungy small-time band a lot. Yes, I've been liking it in spite of the guitarist's cheesey womanizing - he's stopped talking to me about his girl-problems - and we found a bassist. So that has helped to spread out the weird guitarist energy.

We've been playing at this local bar. A crappy local dive bar, my favorite kind! It's funny, we go there on a Saturday afternoon and there are all these old men there sitting up at the bar. They read books (about Stalin) and play little games and drink beer. It reminds me of when I worked at the street shelter. There are some young people there too. This weekend it's going to be a potluck. Can you believe that? It's totally going to remind me of the street shelter. hahaha.

I put prices up on my art website, under much self-torture and duress. I feel so fearful to put prices beside the work. I'm afraid people are thinking, "Why are they so expensive? They're shitty and you're stupid for setting those prices. Why are they so cheap? Your cheap art is stupid and you're shitty."

So yeah, whether they think the prices are high or low, I'm afraid it reveals to the whole world how dumb and crappy I am. But I put the prices up because I do want to sell them. I do want to release them into the world. And having prices there will generate more sales, I hear. I tried to read up on setting prices for art. But really, there is no set formula. You just try to fit in with others who are of similar experience and make similar-ish work.

Oh man. I'm tired this morning. I feel like an old lady. My entire day depends on the quality of sleep I had the night before. There's been no reason for my jobless ass to lose any sleep at all, but still, it seems that if the sleep is not perfect, I can't function the next day. I think it must be a sign of being old. I remember being able to have a totally crappy sleep, and then I just went along through my day like nothing happened.

Marriage is nice. I like it. We had a big fight tho, on the weekend. I hate to admit it, but I like the occassional big fight. It feels real. A lot of tension gets released. Is that bad?

We got the official marriage license in the mail this week. That means we get to figure out which form to use, and then go down to the ins and hopefully get a work permit. And I can work anywheres! Teaching would be the smartest thing for me to pursue - benefits, holidays, decent pay... But...why does it stress me out so? I don't like being the center of attention. I don't like telling people what to do, and having my success depend upon people doing what I tell them to do. I guess every job has it's stressors tho, eh? I keep hearing people say they wish they were teachers. WHY do they wish that?

I think while I apply for teaching jobs (and maybe I'll be crossing my fingers that I DON'T get any calls) I'll get a retail job. Selling clothes, book, stationary... anything! I remember liking my teenaged retail jobs. Was it because I was young and dumb? I think I liked the solitary tasks of straightening, merchandising, and counting things, and when you needed to talk to people, it's because they WANTED to talk to you! They want and need and accept your help. They just want to buy something, no big deal. Sounds great to me.

But what if I settled into a high school art teaching job? Maybe I would become comfortable. I mean, if I managed to do that to some degree with E D kids, well... maybe I could get into it. whatever. We'll see what happens. I'll join that Big-Time band and hit the Big-Time, oh yeah.

I'm turning 31 soon. In a way I feel like I'm 21, still deciding what to do with my life. In other ways, I feel 31. And I like it. I like the early 30's. I suppose I'll always be deciding what to with my life.

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>what i'm painting:

>what sucks:

>what doesn't:

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